Use a joint, lose a joint

In "A Dictionary of Euphemisms: How Not to Say What You Mean" (Oxford Univ. Press) R. W. Holder explains that a euphemism has four purposes: ÒIt is the language of evasion, of hypocrisy, or prudery and of deceit.: This directory defines "states' rights" as a euphemism for "the continuation of discrimination against blacks."

So, after Department of Justice attorneys recently filed lawsuits to shut down six of the largest cannabis buyers clubs in California, and U.S. Attorney Michael Yamaguchi explained that Proposition 215 "has no effect on the applicability of federal drug laws," one might think that states' rightists would have rushed to the defense of medical marijuana, not only for the sake of political consistency, but also to transcend their own racist image.

Iowa, New Mexico and Tennessee currently have laws rescheduling marijuana when it is used for medical purposes. A Florida voters poll shows that 63% favor allowing licensed physicians to prescribe pot. Petitioners in Alaska, Arkansas, Colorado, Maine and the District of Columbia also plan to file medical marijuana initiatives in 1998.

When stand-up comic David Chappelle, co-writer and star of the new marijuana-positive movie, "Half-Baked", was a guest on "Late Night with David Letterman", he was asked if he has ever smoked pot in real life. Chappelle hesitated, milking the silent tension. Finally, he said, "Yes." He paused for effect, and then added, "But only for medicinal purposes." Laughter and applause.

However, anyone in Mississippi found guilty of possessing marijuana for any reason could face the removal of a limb if proposed legislation becomes law. Rep. Bobby Moak (R. - Lincoln County) has introduced a bill which authorizes "the removal of a body part in lieu of other sentences imposed by the court for violations of the Controlled Substances Law."

R. Keith Stroup, executive director of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws, called the measure "political posturing at its most extreme. This is a truly barbaric proposal that shocks the conscience."

A provision in the bill mandates that a convicted person and the court "must agree on which body part shall be removed." It is no longer enough that folks must decide whether to support Scientology or the German government; whether to believe Bill Clinton or Paula Jones; whether to carry their groceries in a paper or plastic bag. Now they might have to choose between sacrificing an arm or a leg.

And even that seems humane in view of House Speaker Newt Gingrich's sponsorship of federal bill H.R. 41, which would require the death penalty for individuals convicted of importing illegal drugs into the United states Ñ including marijuana. Capital punishment could conceivably apply to someone who imported more than 50 grams of pot. That's less than two ounces.

And the war on drugs continues. Los Angeles author/publisher Peter McWilliams, who has AIDS and cancer, was arrested at Detroit Metropolitan Airport for possession of seven joints. Judge Tina Green ruled that he could present evidence that he uses marijuana for medical treatment. A week later, she changed her mind. That decision is now on appeal.

Meanwhile, last month, nine Drug Enforcement Administration agents and an IRS special agent raided McWilliams' home at 6:30 a.m. They handcuffed him, seizing his computer and research material for an upcoming book, "A Question of Compassion: An AIDS-Cancer Patient Explores Medical Marijuana."

The American Civil Liberties Union has written to DEA Administrator Thomas Constantine, "gravely concerned that the search and seizure... constitute a serious infringement on his First Amendment rights" as well as "a severe economic threat to Mr. McWilliams' publishing business."

When he goes on trial in Detroit, McWilliams will be prosecuted by a district attorney, who, in 1976 when he was in his twenties, was inspired by "Star Wars" and legally changed his name to Luke Skywalker. It is the name he will use in court.

Thus, in the process of demonizing a defendant, he will be perceiving McWilliams as Darth Vader, utilizing the same kind of self-righteousness with which, according to witness Michael Fortier, Oklahoma City terrorist bomber Timothy McVeigh dismissed his innocent victims as nothing more than "Storm troopers from ÔStar Wars' in the Evil Empire."

Yes, at long last, Luke Skywalker will battle medical marijuana.

May the farce be with you.

Pre-eminent satirist, humorist, author and Realist publisher, Paul Krassner, now resides in Venice, a stone's throw from absurdity.