Dear Stella,
How can a single, attractive, sexually active woman have multiple sex partners and still be safe? Don't tell me to fall in love and get in a monogamous relationship. I'd love to. But I've been looking for Mr. Right a long time and until I find him, this girl has no intention of being celibate. If I meet a guy I like and we fool around, one thing usually leads to another and I sleep with him. That might only last a few weeks before it fizzles out and I end up sleeping with someone else. Of course, I know all about sexually-transmitted diseases and I demand safe sex, but it's hard for me to have the safe sex conversation. If I bring up the topic before we start to have sex, I feel like I'm being presumptuous. Once we start, it's such a downer. I'm thrilled when it's the guy who brings it up, but those occasions are mighty rare. What's the best way for me to proceed on this and should I consider a man sexually unconscious and therefore probably a carrier of some sort, if he never raises the issue?

Dear Soul,
First of all, can we please lose this awful euphemism that correlates having sex with sleeping with someone! To go to sleep is to lose consciousness. Unfortunately, that's exactly what a lot of people do when they have sex. They close their eyes and fall under some kind of culturally programmed spell where from the first kiss to the final spasm they act out a script that follows a set formula of foreplay, penetration, male ejaculation/occasional female orgasm.

That's procreative sex, and without a condom, it's the way to make babies and to pick up viruses.

What you want might more accurately be considered re-creative sex: sexual playfulness and excitement, affectionate physical contact, warm human connection and maybe a few good orgasms. You're entitled. You're a sexually alive adult female, committed relationship or not. But for this, you don't need to have penis-in-the-vagina sex.

Too bad most people equate having sex with having intercourse, because in fact "making the beast with two backs", as Shakespeare called it, is only one part of sex. Usually, it's the activity that once started, brings sex to an end -- too often before you've fully exhausted your possibilities together. But if you forget about intercourse for a while, there's a whole lot of hot sex you can enjoy, maybe not completely risk-free, but minimally risky, and let's face it, just stepping out your front door can be hazardous.

What do you do with a guy when sexual intercourse is off-limits but everything else is fine? You get creative. For example, if you can remember a time in your early teenage years when you were a technical virgin--doing everything but intercourse--then you probably can recall hours of making out that thrill-wise, far surpassed anything your non-virgin pals were engaging in. It often started with maybe a half hour of imaginative French kissing and nibbling and licking of ears and necks, progressed to some fancy feeling-each-other-up, broken up by some sexy talk like protestations of innocence, pleas for release, vows of adoration and detailed descriptions of what you'd like to do to each other if only we could. That often led to the quintessential act of sexual lust--we called it dry-humping.

These days I prefer the more genteel term of frotting. Frotting is rubbing against someone or something for the purpose of sexual stimulation or release -- generally with your clothes on. A frotteur is usually thought of as someone who presses his groin against your behind in a crowded subway or bus, milking the most out of the crush of captive bodies at rush-hour. But it can also be great sex for uncommitted lovers looking to maximize their intimate pleasures together while minimizing any untoward repercussions. I'm a big fan of frotting for committed couples, too--it can jack up the lust level and adds real spice to the sexual stew.

So anyway, if you draw the line at frotting, you don't have to have the safe sex conversation unless he raises the issue. If he doesn't raise it and is ready to swap semen and vaginal juices at the first sign of spring in his pants, I'd assume he's not a cautious man and somebody sensible like you better mind the store. Then the conversation you need to have is about agreeing on the boundaries. It begins with the first few kisses where you smile and say in your warmest, friendliest tone of voice that you're not into intercourse right now but that you'd love to make out and fool around with him. And would he be up for that? Literally. If yes, you're cookin'. You can stop fretting and start frotting.

If not, ask him what he'd prefer. This may very naturally segue into the safe sex conversation and you get to find out how conscious he is. If what comes out of his mouth is a big turn-off, give him the Italian bye-bye. Raise one arm at the elbow, your palm facing you, open and close your hand rapidly while repeating the words "Ciao Bello." He may be sweet but he's not worth the grief.

Stella Resnick, Ph.D., the author of The Pleasure Zone: Why We Resist Good Feelings and How to Let Go and Be Happy, is a psychologist in private practice in Los Angeles, and the host of Talk Theatre, an audience-participation cabaret talk show.